Phoenix, don't you die
by Mae'side
Summary: There would be a time for answers, but the question faded as he ran. All that mattered was the pounding of a heart. He would not fail this mission. Merlin would not die. A/M friendship, lots of angst and a surprising presence. Chapter 9 is up! XO, a.a.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N : Hey everyone! Alright, so here I am again with another story - - one I really hope you'll like!! The plot has held me captive for a little while now (keeping me from sleep!) and I really wanted to write it down. The words to the first chapter came to me tonight. **

**Please tell me if you like it? It means the world to me, it really does!**

**XO, as always  
PS : update on Embers turn to ash is coming, I promise!**

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Arthur

The servant raised his backpack onto his small shoulders and turned around once again, the question he'd posed so often appearing in his eyes. Arthur inhaled deeply, his chest expanding when he did. _Here it came._ "You're sure you don't mind?"

"The only thing I _mind_, Merlin, is the fact that you've asked me over and over," he paused, "and OVER again." He grinned, pushing the sullen boy over to the doorway. "My answer remains unchanged."

He received a smile in return, just for that. "Just making sure. You know," he tried, "you can always come with me."

The prince scrunched up his face, as if the answer to that was just too obvious. Posing the question was ridiculous, but then again – Merlin wasn't the brightest bloke around, so he might be forgiven for it. "Just because you can skip town for a few days, doesn't mean I can afford the same _luxury_." (Merlin huffed at that. 'Luxury', really…) He jutted out his chin. "Camelot needs me."

"Er –" Merlin nodded, but there was amusement hidden in the action. "Sure." He took a breath and held it for a while. "So I guess I'll.."

"GO, Merlin!!" He was starting to feel anxious, and really, there was nothing else to do but take it out on the poor idiot. He would have to do. "And remember to play nice with the other children once you're there," he rolled his eyes. "I don't want to have you come back full of scraps and bruises…you're worthless enough as it is."

His friend sighed happily. "Good to know I'll be missed. I'll be back soon."

"Good," the prince said, before realizing how he'd actually said something nice – which defied the whole point he'd been making in the first place – and tried again, this time obvious in sarcasm. "I _can't wait_!"

-

It was only later that he realized he'd actually miss Merlin, if only because he'd have no one to boss around the next couple of days. Only a little, not even enough to fill a turtle's shell – but it was there none the less. As he sharpened his blade, running the rock swiftly along the silver, he was acutely aware of the robe that swept over the ground closeby, the slight rustle of silk along the rocks.

"Missing him, are you?"

Dear lord, he knew that expression well, for she wore it any time she'd convinced herself she'd found a way to tease him, at last. She would know his in return, the clear sign that she in fact didn't know _anything_ at all, and that he was quite content with the way things were turning out.

"Not at all," he threw back confidently. "I feel like I can finally think clearly again, without the constant chatter about baby rabbits and ..butterflies _buzzing _all around me." He looked up at her, staring her in the face with laughter in his eyes. Morgana's were the very same and somehow it felt as if they were children again, and all was well and safe.

Except it never had been. The dark shadows that had haunted them in the mourning of their families and the constant heavy burden that rested upon them had always been around, turning every childish came into a momentary escape from reality. They used to crash back to the world and it had always hurt a little more each time.

"I never figured out why it's so difficult for you to admit you care." She shook her head in wonder. "I can read you so well, but it's as if you won't allow yourself to be…"

"As always, Morgana, you're overthinking things." He cleared his throat. "And seeing things. Are you quite well?"

"I'm perfectly sane." She reasoned. "It's _you_ who needs their head checked."

"Oh." He bit his lip, pondering this. "I'll go see Gaius first thing in the morning, then."

"You should." She smiled, walking away. When she came to one of the pillars that held his fortress together, she stole a quick glance, and stated with quivering voice : "You _do_ know Merlin won't be there?"

"Good – _bye_, Morgana."

-

Merlin

He hadn't left Camelot by himself since he had arrived there, so it felt strange taking to the road alone again. This time, however, he was grateful for the horse they'd given him, because traveling on foot to the place he now called home had worn him out. Yet he could still feel the excitement he had back then, the promise of things to come and the strangely exhillerating fear of the unknown. Back then, he had not known of Arthur, or Gwen. Gaius and Morgana. He supposed he might even have taken a strange liking to Uther, when he wasn't being insulting or vain. Or murdering sorcerers.

Wait – he stopped his train of thought, a heavy frown upon his brow – no, not Uther. But Arthur…if he'd never saw them again, he'd miss him most of all. He chuckled at the image of Arthur's expression if he had any clue about all that.

The sound of hooves approached from all around him, and his falcon eyes searched for any hint of danger. _Go, Merlin_. Pressing his calves into the horse's flank, he urged it on to go faster, to gallop away from the forest that had turned ice cold all of a sudden… For some reason, his brow felt on fire, and he had never wanted to escape as badly as he did now.

But they came for him anyway. Advancing on him like a wall of riders, a living storm of danger, he needed to go backwards, willing his stead not to panic the way he did. His eyes desperately shifted to the woods, wishing for _anything_. There was nothing there.

"_Acne berrean indur."_ He shouted, but the incantation fell on deaf ears as their leader held up his hand, simply flicking it as if he was swatting at a fly. The silhouette of him was wider than any man Merlin had ever encountered before, and the lines on his face were harsh, the wrinkles caused by smirking worn as proud battlescars next to his lips.

His voice was deep, and familiar. Merlin realized it had been whispered by the trees when he'd walked by – he'd heard of it in the crackle of the leaves. Yet now it spoke to him.

"I think you've entertained us quite enough, young friend."

His men smiled simultaneously, as one army, trying to cower the enemy into defeat. That image was the last he met before he fell to the darkness.

Arthur

He'd busied himself with training for the hours that followed his conversation with Morgana, the sweat trickling his skin. Raising his hand to his forehead, he looked on when in the distance, a foreign rider approached the gates of Camelot. Something with the scene didn't sit right with him, and he threw his sword to where it landed in the earth – deciding he would have one of the servants, not Merlin… no, _obviously_ not Merlin…, pick it up later.

The rogue had arrived by now, and he anxiously motioned to the guards, begging them for information on where to find…

"What business do you have with me?"

A slow grin appeared on the man's face as he sized Arthur up, and he drew his tongue over his lips, slowly. "I think you'd prefer to speak with me in private, _my lord_." The statement sounded as an insult, and if there was anything the young prince would not do, it was bow down to those who would not respect him.

He feigned a smile. "Well, _I've_ decided you're not to enter the grounds until you show some respect, so you might as well say what you need to say right here. And get down." he snapped.

The stranger was scrawny and small, but there was a smugness in his behaviour that was awkward and strange, and he wanted nothing more than to rid himself of this character. "What is it you want?"

"My master," the boy stated with pride, with obvious adoration of the man in question in his voice (which secretly made him wonder if Merlin spoke of him the same way), "wishes you to know that we hold your sorcerer captive."

"Good." Although capturing a sorcerer was a hard thing to do and Arthur should feel grateful, something kept him from jumping through hoops. It was probably the glint in the boys eyes, as if he knew something Arthur did not. "You must tell me who he is and bring him to us at once. Father is used to dealing with men like him."

The messenger laughed bitterly. "I'm afraid you misunderstand. Allow me to explain." He reached into the bag he carried and threw the small object he'd retrieved down before him, before stepping onto it with his foot, twisting and turning it so it was smudged with dirt. Kicking it a final time so it lay closer to the prince's feet, he smiled. "It's a little dirty, but I'm sure you know it. I bet you'd recognize it anywhere."

Arthur bent down and grabbed at the fabric that lay before him. His fingers dug into the earth and the sand crawled beneath his nails, but that was nothing compared to the shrill sound resounding in his mind.

This had to be a mistake.

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_Pleaaase tell me what you think? Pleaaase? It means the world to me, your support is the main thing that's keeping me going! (apart from my obvious love for the Merlin/Arthur friendship. I'm quite obsessed with them, as you might have noticed ;) )_

_Please let me know?_

_XO, as always_


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N : Wow, you guys! Thanks so much for all the support you've already given me! You're really amazing, and I can only hope that I'll be able to live up to your expectations. Your reviews meant the world to me, really.**

**Please tell me what you think of this chapter? It means everything to me.**

**Xo, as always -- and the promise of cookies!!**

Arthur

"You're a fool." He set the cup down forcefully, but did not find the strength he needed to face reality yet. His fingers travelled across every fiber of the dirtied scarf Merlin had worn that very morning as he'd left, and he gripped it so forcefully it nearly tore from being held. For some reason _these men_ held his servant captive – wanting to trade him off as something he was not. Something he could not be.

After a few long minutes, he turned his head to stare the man straight down. "I'm not going to pay you this much for someone who's not worth it.." His tongue swept past his lips as he drew in the remainders of the wine that had tried to ease his anger..his concern. "If your master knew anything about striking a bargain, he'd know that the price would have to equal the worth of the object…otherwise there's no way he'll ever see his money."

"My master is more wise than you are."

He raised his eyebrows. "Really?" So that's why he was being a complete arrogant nobody who had absolutely no idea about how wrong he'd been. "Then I suppose your master will understand that I won't give you even a whiff of money until I'm certain he's still alive…. and the price is more… _realistic_."

There was a smirk that ruled the expression of his opponent. "We knew you'd never recognize our true potential if we'd captured a useless serving boy, my lord, but we'd been quite certain you'd die for a friend."

There was a heavyset stone weighing down his chest the minute the words were spoken. Despite the grief he gave his servant, there was no doubt he cared a great deal for him and right now, he prayed Merlin knew that truth as well. He'd do anything to save him.

"Although," the man pondered, "are you _truly_ friends if you had no idea who he really was? Maybe you're too dimwitted to have realized, Arthur, but he's always been a liar."

He rounded on the messenger, using his whole body in battle as he swung the man against the wall with one swift movement. He pinned his victim underneath his strength, his hand closing around his throat. The idea of having this man fall was more appealing than ever, and he felt a overwhelming sense of excitement and thrill fill him all the way up. "I could kill you right now," his face twisted in disgust, "but it seems I'll need you to convey my messages. Unless you feel like telling me who you're working for."

The sound of the desperate gasping for air was the only one that could be heard, and his victim tried to gently massage his neck vein. Arthur studied the pins that held the man's cloak together, the foreign symbol standing out. He knew it would be of great importance to discover who this idiot was – and a way of finding Merlin.

"Highly unlikely." The man smiled. "And HE demanded that you not hurt a single hair on my head, for if you did your servant would pay the price."

Rage proved to be stronger than reason when Arthur sank his sword into the man's thigh. "Right. Just tell _him_ a boar got to you."

Merlin

For some reason, he'd never thought this sort of thing could happen to him. Maybe it was because being around Arthur had always made him feel safe and untouchable, as if no one could ever hurt him like this. Maybe it was because he'd thought himself to be stronger.

But as his eyelids fluttered open, his pupils dilating because of the sudden light, he knew it had. The stone wall was harsh and hostile to his cheek, his body aching from the awkward position in which they'd thrown him. Shallow bruising decorated his arms and his bare throat showed the evidence of violence.

He was reminded of Arthur's warning and bit his lip, tasting small amounts of dried up blood that rested there. _"I don't want to have you come back full of scrapes and bruises…you're worthless enough as it is."_ Was Arthur the reason they had taken him? It seemed highly unlikely, but the other possibility – that they actually wanted him for who he was – presented a higher risk. If this was about him, they would not rest until they knew it all. All the secrets, all the truths.

Two men rested by his cell, their faces grim and victorious. "Don't you try and escape, now."

"He won't…" the dark voice spoke to him out of nowhere, and the dark shadow of a man creeped along the walls of the room. He finally materialized before the bars that held Merlin captive and smiled sadly. "Merlin knows that his power means nothing here. Look around you, friend, and look upon your equals."

He jumped to his feet and ran to the iron pilars, clutching them between his fingers. "What do you want from me?"

His question went ignored. "My name is Arbyan," their leader continued as if explaining the situation to a four year old. "and you are my guest in this house."

_His guest. Really. _"That's _great_." Merlin huffed. "Then I suppose the least you can do is tell me why I'm behind bars. I deserve to know why I'm here."

"You're of great importance to us, Merlin." Arbyan said, and though his lips did not move the words kept flowing. _"because you are close to Arthur."_

"He's got NOTHING to do with this!" He was screaming by now, but wouldn't care. "And you must STAY OUT of my head. There's nothing in there that belongs to you."

Arbyan smiled. "We've sent one of our finest riders to your prince. As soon as he pays your ransom, you and your mind are free to go."

Ah. "I wouldn't hold my breath," he challenged them. "Arthur's smart enough not to pay any ransom for a useless servant." He was sure of that, but he also knew that while the prince would not pay a single penny, he would find a way to rescue the bait himself. The way he'd done for Gwen… and the way he would for Merlin.

"A servant, no." Arbyan amended. "But a sorcerer…and a _friend_… in that case, we think he might be persuaded."

Merlin closed his eyes while the pain washed over him. If they uncovered his true identity, the chances of Arthur actually caring became slim. Arthur would not save a liar. All would be lost…and they would pick him apart piece by piece.

Hurried footsteps flew down the steps, and a voice interrupted their conversation. "Hampton has returned, my lord. He is wounded."

Arthur

"How much are they asking for?" When she came to sit by him, the bed dipped lower and he felt himself falling even more. Morgana looked at him, saw the conflict that raged inside of him and tentatively lay a hand on his shoulder, not surprised in the least when he shook it off and jumped away from her touch.

He paced in front of the bed, his steps hurried and taken in chaos. "More than they asked for you – they seem to believe he's some kind of…" He stopped short. "I just don't understand why they'd go for him. It's just _Merlin_."

"They must know you care." She told him, afraid to upset him even more. It was obvious they'd gotten to him and she knew the pain he must feel – having been on the exact same rollercoaster of emotion when they held Gwen. "What are you going to do?"

He shook his head as he turned to her. "They called him a liar."

"As you said, Arthur…it's _Merlin_. If he did lie to you, there must be a reason. He'd die for you."

_He'd die for you._ Those words haunted him while he searched for the symbol in the scriptures, his eyes flying through the pages. He would find the men who did this – and he would make them pay.

Merlin

Suddenly, he found himself hurled into an arena while men with eager eyes stared him down, their screaming voices drowning out every possibility of intelligent thought. He remembered the way Arbyan had grabbed his arm, the way he'd fruitlessly fought against it, and the murmured words next to his ear.

"_If he cares not for our life, we'll not care for yours."_

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_Ok, pleaaase tell me what you think? It would mean the world to me, and I promise zillions of virtual hugs and cookies for those of you who do!_

_XO, as always_


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N : You guys, you are all so amazing, there are no words for it, really! (scatters the promised hugs and cookies around!) Really, your reviews really mean everything to me. Everything!**

**Please continue to let me know? Please? You'll get hugs and cookies, again!**

**XO, as always**

Merlin

And though he was surrounded, he'd never felt more alone. These men, their mouths screaming for his death to amuse them…he'd not known this kind of cruelty before. The pure pleasure they would get watching him crumble to the floor, it seemed so surreal, so unearthly, as if he had been thrown to the burning pits of hell and the demons ripped at his limbs.

He was lonely. For some reason, he knew Arbyan had been right – his powers were useless against this enemy who could wave the strongest curse away with a slight movement of his hand. That very same hand that had been burnt once upon a time…When he had dragged his prey into the arena, the action had been powerful, but a slight tremble in his hands proved he was not unbeatable, or that he had not been a while ago.

His eyes had registered it all, as they did now. They watched in anguish as another man entered his cage but knew that _he_ was not a captive – he was reigning champion, master of this ring. His hands had touched the very boundaries of life itself and destruction had done its fair share of chaos to his face. Scars and holes, but still he had remained alive.

"See what this is, eh?" He pointed to the markings that decorated the iron of his weapon, and he took it upon him to translate the engravings himself. "This says : _I will start the river_. You know what they say 'bout rivers, don't you boy?"

His sword cut Merlin just as the prey kicked, hard, to rid himself of this threat. If he could not use magic, he'd use other tricks, things he'd seen Arthur do time and time again. His leg split open, the wound too deep, too painful. His blood ran down his shins, to the dirty earth, and he cried out in pain.

"They _flow._"

-

Arthur

He pressed his finger to the paper, glanced at the symbol identical to the one he'd seen on the messenger's cloak pins, and read the words Geoffrey had written beneath it, the neat handwriting making it ever so clear. _The house of Arathan_, it said, and a shiver travelled down his spine. He'd heard of these men who, like the druids, practised magic…only darker than any known before or after them.

His father had never dared to venture to their grounds, for they lay across the border of their Kingdom and the war he waged on magic was of little importance there. If he closed his eyes, his father's expression upon hearing the name doomed before him. Arthur had been around the age of seven then, and lurking behind the heavy doors. One day, _he_ would be king, and he would fear the same things father did.

"Arthur.." Her arrival felt like a rude wake up call after a night of heavy drinking…the moment where you had to blink several times to feel awake. The very idea made him ache, for Merlin had woken him just like that from many a party. He'd opened the curtains in one full swing just to mess with him (but Arthur made sure he received severe punishment later)

"Your father needs to talk to you."

-

The very minute he lay eyes on his father and took note of the enraged expression, he knew whatever his father needed with him would not be good, nor kind…it would be _father_ at his most usual : disaproving and bitter.

"You needed to see me, father?" If there was anything he'd learnt over the years he'd had to face his father like this, it was to always start things casually. Uther loved it when you played innocent for it made him believe you truly were. The smallest ammount of guilt would set him off.

"I've received news of terrible nature." His frown was ever so evident between his eyes, that willed Arthur to submit to him, that willed his son to prove it all a lie. "It seems your servant has power we never knew he possessed. He lied to you."

Arthur nodded, seemingly taking it all in. "Who's the source on this matter?" He raised his eyebrows in question. "Gaius? Morgana? _Anyone_ we trust?"

"One of our men found out this morning when someone came to ask for ransom. Apparently, this _sorcerer _got himself kidnapped."

He could use this. "Think _rationally_, father. If Merlin were evil, don't you think he'd figure out some way to escape the clutches of any fool who'd even try to take him? I know my servant – there's no way he is what they claim him to be."

Uther shook his head slowly. "You've always been naieve."

"He _saved_ my life." Arthur threw his hands into the air. "Twice!"

"A single deed does not erase a life of evil." The king sipped his wine. "Whatever he is, he's gone for now. Let's keep it that way . If he comes back, I'll have no choice but to execute him."

-

He hadn't been able to reply to that statement. He hadn't wanted to – because even though reason and heart worked together on this, both would be refused by his father. He thought of all the times Merlin had been there for him, to save him from a certain death, recalled conversations they'd had… and knew that Morgana had been right. There was no lie he might have told that could not be explained, he was sure of it.

"I'm coming with you." As always, she held her battlestance, knowing he would turn her down but claiming not to care either way.

He threw his sword onto the table before turning to her. Her body had shaken from the harsh sound of the falling weapon, but she'd recovered in a heartbeat. His sigh reverberated through the room and as it did, her eyes became a deeper shade of _determination_. "You know you can't, Morgana."

"I don't care what _you_ say, Arthur Pendragon. You don't know what he's done for me."

"Knowing this is _Merlin_ we're talking about, I've no doubt it was something incredibly kind and romantic, but you'll risk the entire operation by being this stubborn." He looked her in the eye. "The fact that I am leaving will raise enough suspicion. If you come with me, there will be no more secret. They'll all know. Merlin is enough danger as it is."

Morgana opened her mouth to protest, so he grabbed at his last straw. "Please, Morgana. I need to this by myself." He glanced at a random spot on the wall, lost in thought. "I need to talk to him to figure out why this happened."

"You're not to blame." She walked over to him and lay her hand on his arm, gently tugging at the red fabric, twirling it in her fingers. "Tell me you know that." When he couldn't answer her and she saw his mask slip back on, she knew all she needed to. "Arthur."

"I must go, Morgana." He told her, every inch the prince. Arthur had grown these last few months, anyone would a be a fool not to see. She had no doubt his friend had something to do with, but to even suggest such a thing would elicit a speech of ridicule and she was wise enough not to catch him on what had become such a tender point to all of them.

"I can't afford to lose one minute."

-

Merlin

_They flow._ Well, they certainly did. The wound had not stopped bleeding since he'd been hauled from the arena over an hour ago. For some reason, they felt beating him up was a good plan, but they would not end his agony and plunge the sword into his heart. Instead, they let him droop into a corner of his cell, clutching his knee and praying in silent desperation.

He didn't really know what it was he prayed for. Anything to stop the pain. For Arthur to be here. To be able to hug Gaius one more time and be enveloped by the pride and love he knew the man felt for him. Anything, really…

His incantations had not worked as he'd tried to heal himself and he felt himself grow weaker and weaker as each moment passed. Magic had been a part of his soul, a corner of his being and without it he felt as if he'd lost a friend. Lonely.

Through his heavy eyelids, he saw he a shadow approach and grip the bars of his cell. He was sure he knew the face, they'd met somewhere before, but the throbbing head ache made it difficult for him to remember. When the young boy pulled down his hood and piercing blue eyes stared into his, they jotted his memory and it was a terrifying thing to face him once again.

'_Emrys.'_ The words resounded in his head, just as they had the first time they had met. The scared little boy crouching in the courtyard, trying to stay hidden from the guards that would, no doubt, place his head upon the wooden block before slamming down the axe. Mordred's voice had haunted him those few short days, and it did now.

'_I knew we'd meet again.'_

* * *

_Pleaaase tell me what you think? It would mean the world to me! Really... I can't begin to tell you what it means to me..._

_XO, as always_


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N : Hey you amazing people! Really, you are! All the support you've given me so far, I can't begin to explain how much it means to me. You make it all so great. THANK YOU! (scatters hugs and cookies) **

**Please tell me what you think of this chapter? It took me kind of a long time to write..so I'm really curious as to what you think! Pleaase let me know? (hugs! cookies! everything you want!)**

**XO, as always**

Merlin

Whenever he looked at the boy, he saw a veiled truth, a different reality to his own. He had never understood it, but Mordred seemed inhuman – his bright blue eyes and dark red lips of unnatural color. Yet there was something different to him this time : he had grown, he had been changed by a terrible anguish of such nature that it overruled the essense of who you were. Once you'd suffered through it, you would never be the same.

"_I can help you," _the voice continued. _"I can make you better. My debt will be repaid."_

He couldn't believe the words he spoke next, not until the meaning of what Mordred had said became clear to him. "No – no, no.. " Merlin shook his head enthusiastically, biting away the pain that hit with every movement. "I don't want your help."

A small smile appeared on the young boy's face, and it held so many emotions. Unearthly. Powerful. Calculated. _"You have seen the future, Emrys." _His eyes widened and the very look sent imaginary flames running over his arms and legs. He cried out, the sound almost loud enough to drown out the next words that entered his mind. _"So have I."_

-

Morgana

She watched through the glass window as Arthur rode off and swore she could sense his fear all the way up to where she stood. He might pretend to be brave and strong…or play unaffected by the events of the last few days, but Morgana knew he was shaken to the core. She didn't know what he'd do if he found Merlin injured; or worse.

She'd begged him to take her with him, but he had refused her. He'd always put her safety first, even when they were little. How she missed those days of games and laughter, in a time where it didn't even occur to them that one day they would face this kind of peril – lose these kind of friends.

There was a disturbance in the hallway, the voice of a desperate woman calling out and angry guards restraining her. Morgana swung her door open and walked to the men, knowing that no matter what the woman would be right – the guards in Camelot were quite useless, but they needed the charade to keep their enemies from discovering. Without Arthur's leadership, these men were lost. Without Arthur, all of them were.

"What's this?" It was only when she saw the woman's face that she understood her distress, and she lay a hand around her shoulders. "Hunith…come in."

-

"They…they won't let me see Arthur." Hunith had barely touched her tea, the apparent shadows under her eyes witnessing to the lack of several nights of sleep. "Merlin was supposed to come home a few days ago, and… Uther wouldn't know anything, so I just…" she shook her head. "I needed to talk to him."

"Arthur's away for a few days," Morgana told her. "He's gone to find Merlin."

Hunith closed her eyes, her worst fears confirmed. Morgana gripped her hand that lay on the tabletop and gently squeezed it. "Arthur will do anything to save him, you know that."

Tears ran down the mother's face, dangling on the bottom of her chin, ready to fall and crash to the floor, where they would shatter and remain. She nodded slowly, lifted a trembling hand to her brow where she pressed it against her flesh, hard and demanding. Her shoulders shook, and all the king's ward could do was close her arms around the woman, comfort a well that would never run dry if anything had happened. She whispered soothing words. Told her that Arthur would make it all okay.

He would.

Arthur

Sometimes he wished the world would stop its spinning. Wished that time would cease to matter in the place…or that it could be rewinded to a time where all was well. They'd live inside that moment like a comforting shell, keeping them safe and warm – happy.

Time was his enemy. Every second was an opportunity for harm to come to Merlin, and that was something he couldn't allow to happen. If he was too late, he'd never forgive himself. He was reminded of the time when he'd raced to recover to Morteus flower, and smiled when he foresaw a moment in their future... When he'd gotten Merlin out of harm's way, he'd sigh dramatically and gently nudge his friend.

"_It seems I'm always saving you."_ That's what he'd say, and Merlin would have the decency to look embarrassed before smiling back at the prince. _"I'm always running around for you. It was about time you did something."_

-

Nightfall, and he could not afford sleep. The stars were shining brightly above him and he marveled at their beauty as he rested his weary body for a few precious minutes. He lay in the soft grass, his horse grazing nearby… and recalled every second of the moment they had last seen each other.

"_Good to know I'll be missed."_ A sharp sting appeared behind his eyes and he shot up from the ground. There was no time to feel this way – he needed a clear head to face the troubles. He would not cry tonight.

Merlin

They were back again, taunting him through their half-lidded eyes, near barbarians yet more powerful than he was. He tried again and again – and they laughed at his attempts, they threw bones at his feet. "Nibble on that, would you, puppy?"

-

"Why are you letting them do this to you?" He turned his face to where the voice had come from, because this time it was not the ice cold haunting voice of his … whatever Mordred was… but a more familiar voice. One he'd heard nearly every second of the day before he'd left to visit his mother on her birthday.

Arthur sat beside him, leaning back against the cold stone wall and _of course_ he knew it was not real, he couldn't help but grasp at any ammount of familiarity, imaginary or otherwise. "I've tried. They're stronger than I am."

The prince rolled his eyes, kicking at the bone that lay in front of his feet. It bounced against the wall with a loud clank, and Merlin followed its path with interest. His fingers, dirty with dried up blood, grasped at the object and he dug his nails into the harshness of it… It hurt, but with this pain to distract him he would not think of the other one. With Arthur here, he could bear it all.

"If they are stronger, it's only because you allow them to be." Arthur continued. "It's _your_ name that has been written down even before you were born, not theirs. If you set your mind to it…"

"Wait." Merlin frowned, panic and sadness written in his expression. His heart beat faster. Afraid. "You know about…all that?"

Arthur looked at him as if he were stupid. It was a look he had gotten used to over the past year, but being in this much pain, it took everything to a different level. It hurt. "I'm not _real_, Merlin. I know whatever you want me to."

"Right." Merlin rolled his lips into his mouth, fighting back the tears. He would not cry tonight. Not while he was here. "I wish you were." He murmured, glancing back at the emptiness.

-

Mordred came back that very night, a plate of food in his tiny hands. He pushed it over to the prisoner, who just kicked it back with a more-or-less intact foot. "I don't want it."

Mordred stood tall, proud. There was no doubt about the fact that he was helping Merlin out for his own benefit, but there was one thing that didn't add up. The pain he'd suffered – it was still a mystery Merlin needed to solve. Because if he could get to the heart of what was wrong with the young boy, he might be able to save him. _It is in your power to prevent a great evil_, the dragon had once told him. Maybe this was the way to complete that task…finally. "What happened to you?"

There was only a thin line as he pressed his lips together, silent as always. _"They left me. This is who I am, now."_

"I don't think the druids would leave you." He pressed his palms to the ground to keep him steady as he neared the boy, trying to get him to listen. "You're family."

Mordred held his head up high. _"This is who I am, now." _He repeated, and Merlin felt him penetrating his thoughts, searching… Turning his face, for he felt Arthur's presence again, he saw the prince raise his eyebrows in a meaningful way.

Mordred did not find what he was after. Arthur was here now, and together they were strong.

* * *

_Ok, what did you think? Pleaaase tell me? I promise to write the next chapter asap, promise! You're amazing._

_BTW, I know some of you will like the "Merlin AND Arthur" bit, but those of you who don't, well... I say : interpret it anyway you want to (Merlin could just be thinking about what Arthur WOULD say if he were there), and don't be scared... it's only the one bit. It just flowed from my fingers - - and I missed writing Merlin & Arthur banter, so.. _

_XO, as always_


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N : hey everyone, once again I can't thank you enough for the support! Hugs! Cookies! Cake! (smiles) I'm sorry it took me a while to write this chapter, but real life has been pretty crazy. Anyway, I really hope you'll like it, it's a real important one.. I hope I got it right.**

**Please let me know? It would really mean the world to me!! Pretty pleaaase?**

**BTW, the lyrics put between quotations and in italics are of the song "I and love and you" by the Avett Brothers. I heard this song tonight and have been listening to it non - stop while I wrote this chapter. These lyrics just fit!**

**Xo, as always**

* * *

"_The highway sets the traveler's stage  
All exits look the same"_

_- the Avett brothers_

Arthur

He rode underneath the dark red summer sky, glancing over the tree tops to search for a sign of his destination, praying for the image of the fortress to appear on the horizon. He was miles away from home by now, and every inch he'd raced across these lands had added to the strain of his muscles. The horse was tired as well, and he rested only when they needed to.

"_Not long now,_" he reminded himself as he touched the dirty scarf he'd tied around his arm. _"We'll be home soon."_

Merlin

"_Dumbed down and numbed by time and age  
__your dreams to catch the world, the cage"_

Everything about him ached to the core and his vision had blurred. To make matters worse, the men had come to taunt him about the fact that Arthur didn't care. He'd not sent word ever since the messenger had returned to them scarred and bruised – and Merlin felt the need to smile slightly, were it not for the consequences Arthur's protectiveness had brought him.

The prince never did like to be teased, or faced with problems he couldn't solve on his own. No doubt he'd convinced himself he'd be able to save his servant – or maybe he'd decided the contrary. _A sorcerer…and a friend. _That's how they'd described him. There was no telling how Arthur had reacted to the news, though the scar on Hampton's thigh may hint at his anger.

Would he think the word _betrayal_? Would he listen to his father's voice?

"Merlin!" He closed his eyes briefly, letting Arthur's presence comfort him. Turning to the side, a small smile appeared on his lips when he sought his friend's regular spot, but it was empty … as it had been before. As it would always be, except in his mind.

"MERLIN!"

Arthur

He'd made it. These walls were as strongly built as Camelot's, but their shade was ten times darker than the pure whiteness of his home – danger, it cried, pain. He tied his horse's reigns to the nearest tree and patted its sweaty neck, silently thanking him for the companionship on this lone journey he had made. His return would not be so lonely. He prayed it would not be.

There were guards resting near the entrance and no light save for the torches against the stone gateway, providing them with a soft dim glow. He searched for a way inside, and found himself running, as low as he possibly could without his knees grazing the ground, around the outlines of the castle.

He passed a grid…two and three…but all he found was darkness. It was only when he'd reached the fifth air vent that he discovered what he needed to. Desperately, he called salvation's name.

"MERLIN!"

-

He lay sagged against the ground, and the liquid of his own blood had coloured every inch of clothing, left its marks against the wall. There was a deep set brown around him, and whatever had happened to him, Merlin was in pieces.

The guilt welled up inside as he saw his friend close his eyes slowly and he let out a pained sigh. It seemed Merlin had not heard his call, and so Arthur tried again, waiting for him to finally glance up and look him in the eye. He grabbed hold of a small pebble and threw it at the boy, sorry when it hit him and he hissed.

"Look up."

Merlin

He turned his face upwards, toward the small air vent that provided him with the little cleanliness that he could get. Sometimes, a breath of wind had entered through the grid, and he had felt a shiver run across his body. It had felt liberating, somehow. As if he were outside, free.

This time, he could just distinguish Arthur's face against the dark blue, his fingers clutching the metal bars, wishing to pull them off. He supposed his mind was playing tricks on him again, but when the trademark look of annoyance flickered in the prince's eyes, it hit him like a ruin tumbling down. (Other Arthur had always had the decency to glance at him more or less nicely)

"Arthur?" he whispered, "You're real this time?"

He could tell the comment took him by surprise, but Arthur recovered quickly. "Please don't tell me you've been hallucinating about me." When Merlin nodded in a daze, Arthur cleared his throat awkwardly. "Right. Could have expected that, I suppose. I'm getting you out."

Arthur

Merlin shook his head sadly. "There's guards everywhere, you won't be able to ge.." The blood flowed back to the surface and he had to cough to get it out, somehow. Arthur watched as he raised a worn, trembling hand to his lips and his whole body shook with the harshness of his action.

"QUIET!" The voice that called out to him seemed so near, so dangerously close, and the prince instinctively crawled backwards to shelter himself from prying eyes.

"There's magic." Merlin continued, his voice hoarse in the aftermath of the heavy convulsing of his body.

Arthur nodded. "I know. It's the house of Arathan. They've been enemies for as long as we can remember." He paused, taken aback from the innocent look in his friend's eyes when they looked into his own. "I'm sorry about this, Merlin."

He nodded decidedly, his mission more clear to him than ever. "I'm coming."

-

He honestly didn't know what had happened until he found himself in an arena surrounded by howling people, rattling his cage like mad men. He had tried to make his way in and had succeeded, the castle being eerily quiet and deserted for some reason. Sure, it had felt like a trap long before they cornered him, but still he had ventured onward, glancing around every corner, taking in every detail.

But they had found him, and with one swift wave of a hand, he had fallen to their mercy.

-

Now he gripped his sword that they had for some reason left in his possession, swinging it around expertly and pointing it at every dog of a man, every barbarian – threatening them though he felt quite powerless.

It was nothing compared to when they pushed Merlin towards him, kicking his broken body so it fell into his arms. The sudden weight nearly made him fall, but he grabbed at his friend, pulling him up as if he were a life line to cling to. He knew holding Merlin might make things more difficult for him – he would be a burden to carry in battle – but for now, he couldn't let go. "I've got you."

That one small murmur seemed like a heavy cry when the room went silent. His eyes sought out the cause of the change and saw their leader stand tall and proud, a smile of satisfaction around his lips. "There seems to be some kind of confusion, my lord," he began mockingly. "We requested your money, not your presence." The man pointed at Merlin. "I see you've found your friend again."

"Your quarrel is with me." Arthur's voice rose in anger and frustration. "You shouldn't have hurt him."

Merlin

"_Are you aware the shape I'm in  
__my hands they shake my head it spins"_

"Did you not think we foresaw this, Arthur? Did you truly think you would be able to surprise us?" Laughter tumbled through the room, and it hurt his eyes. His ears.

"Well, I just assumed barbarians like you would be too stupid to realize." He felt, rather than heard, Arthur's voice. His broken body lay near to the hum in his chest. Arthur never let him fall.

"Ah." Arbyan continued. "Yet it seems you were foolish enough not to recognize your servant's true potential." He grinned and cast a meaningful glance at the messenger, Hampton, who return the sentiment. "I believe it to be strange, _my prince_, that Merlin's true powers were left unused while he fought for his life.. Maybe he had been waiting for this instead."

He reacted at the speed of sound when he saw the orb of blueish fire appear in Arbyan's hands, watched as he hurled the mass of violence at Arthur. _"Mendea rilda tumes."_ He screamed, all energy draining from his soul as he did. The weapon hit its sender instead, and the lord of the house of Arathan tumbled backwards, to the ground.

Merlin crumbled to the floor as well, his chest heaving with exhaustion. He felt the tip of a blade press against his flesh and closed his eyes in acceptance when Arthur's voice came dangerously close to his ear.

"You lied to me."

* * *

_Ok, pleaaaase tell me what you think? I really really hope you liked it, and I apologize for the cliffie. I know, I'm bad! _

_Please let me know what you think? Pleaaase?_

_XO, as always -- hugs and cookies on their way!! _


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N : I can't begin to thank you for all the support you've given me on the last chapter. You are all incredibly amazing, and I wish there was more I could do for you except throw you virtual cookies and give you bonecrushing virtual hugs. In Arthur's words : "You're true friends."**

**I really hope you'll like this chapter, and I would LOVE for you to let me know what you think! As always, it means the world to me.**

**XO, as always  
Mae'side**

Merlin

"You lied to me."

He could swear he felt his scorching anger, felt the dark wound that Arthur inflicted on him in that very moment, and he knew he himself had been the cause for it. Arthur had once accused him of hiding things and now the secret was out – there was no more pretending. He only wished Arthur could have found out about this out another way, he wished it had been his own doing. If it had been, he would have prepared his friend for this instead of throwing him to the wild animals who craved nothing more than desperate blood.

The pressure against his flesh became too much, and his skin cracked under the weapon. The voice was there again, with sizzling anger and yet…more. "I don't care how you do it. Get yourself a weapon."

-

Those words had felt like redemption, like a silent saying it was okay – yet he knew it wasn't. For now, Arthur's order was nothing more than an attempt to get them out of the rough spot they were in, one where all eyes were on them and the thirsty animals screamed for swords to cut through bodies… for men to die.

He wouldn't let Arthur down, he swore he wouldn't. This man, who stood beside him pointing peril at his veins was more than a friend and he couldn't leave it at this. Magically, he summoned a sword to his hand and immediately felt guilty for doing it. He was betraying this particular friend, he'd lied to him from the very start…

Their backs touched eachother as they fought off their enemies in the circle, and Merlin sent a blue hazed fire to destroy the barriers of their cage… they crumbled down, destroying everything in their path. Arthur's arm flew up, sheltering his eyes from the harsh attack of colors. The men ran screaming, some towards them, others away.

He felt himself fading. Merlin knew he had nor the strength for this battle, nor the power. He had lost Arthur's trust, the one thing that had gotten him through these days of captivity, through these hours of violent treatment. What was there left to fight for? This Arthur did not believe in his friend, he just wanted to escape this place so he could turn his back in public, where it hurt the most. He would get them out, yet cast away his servant, ordering him never to return.

His eyes slipped closed and he felt scars appearing on his very being. "Merlin." His voice cut through the haze – it always had whenever he had been in trouble. Arthur was his voice of reason. "Any idea how long this shield will last?"

He had not summoned the protection, yet it was there more obvious than reality itself. A grey translucent screen was erected between the two of them and their enemy, making the world appear a very shimmer before them. "I don't…"

_I don't know._ That's what he wanted to say. _I don't know how this happened, Arthur, I wish it had never come to this._ But he knew why this had happened, all of it. He had needed to tell Arthur how he was more than just a servant, how he was protector as well – and friend. And fate would not be crossed.

He found Mordred in the sea of howling men. The piercing gaze cut straight through him, and the confusion in his mind cleared. _"My debt is now repaid,"_ he said, and Merlin knew that he had failed.

Arthur

It felt as if his mind was self-destructing, for he needed Merlin yet could not… He hadn't wanted to believe the truth and felt like denying himself the very possibility of it right now, but Merlin was saving their lives, he was fighting like never before.

All that mattered was escaping this place and walk into the sunlight, where he could breathe in the pureness of morning air and think about this clearly. Merlin would explain why he had lied… and maybe his words would be enough. Right now, he was a savior. It would all depend on what happened next for him to be a traitor.

He caught his servant's arm when he noticed how he was on the verge of collapse and drew him from the chamber, away from the castle and onto the horse that had awaited their return. It all seemed so surreal, but they were alive again. For now.

-

He had not spoken a word since they had left the fortress, neither of them had, but as he sat by the brook and soaked a cloth with water, he couldn't keep from screaming. The sentiment had been building up inside of his ever since Merlin had spoken in a different tongue, ever since the betrayal had been uncovered.

Arthur threw the white object to Merlin's face. "Get yourself cleaned up."

He didn't scream, he couldn't… not when Merlin looked so broken and cold, as if his soul had been snapped in two when he'd been kept in darkness, the redness of his blood still on his clothes. "I'm sorry." It was no more than a whisper, but he could not pretend he hadn't heard. "I didn't…"

"Were you _EVER_ going to tell me?" Merlin's state of being forgotten, he found he was selfish enough to think only of himself at the moment… of his hurt pride and his bruised heart. He had trusted Merlin enough to come for him, to save his life – yet his servant had not trusted him with this. This…whatever it was.

"I was!" He cried out. "I wanted to tell you _so_ many times, but it just never.."

Merlin

"It never came up?" Arthur seethed. Of course he could understand why he was angry, he _knew_ his friend, despite the fact that right now, Arthur would think their bond no more than a sham.

"I was afraid of… what you'd say. What you'd do to me."

The prince shook his head angrily. "For good reason. I could have you beheaded for this."

Merlin stubbornly continued." And they wouldn't _let _me."

"They?" Amazement crept into a screaming voice. "Of course. Who knows about this?"

"Gaius." Merlin amended. "Among other people. I wish I could have told you." For the first time since they had escaped, Merlin discovered the strength to stand, and he tried to walk over to the man who was like a brother to him. "The consequences.."

"My father suspects you of sorcery." It seemed as if Arthur was almost sorry for this particular fact, and it made hope swell inside of Merlin. "I don't know what I'm going to tell him."

"I can't make that decision for you."

He could see Arthur thinking about this. He watched as the small details he had become so used to played on his master's face, and how he came to a conclusion. "But you saved our lives."

If he were wise, he would have told Arthur he had. It would have made things a whole lot easier. But now that his secret was out, he was tired of all the lies about who he really was, to the one person he wanted more than anyone else to know. "The fire was me. The shield…" He shook his head. "Mordred."

"He was _there?_" Now Arthur was genuinely surprised. Truly grateful. Merlin closed his eyes in silent reverie. If only he knew how much this favour had cost them, if only he knew how much their lives were endangered by this one small person, this angel of death, wrapped up in deception. "Are you telling me you're regretting we made it out alive?"

Arthur

"I should have been stronger for you." Merlin murmured. "I should have been strong enough to save you. Now that Mordred has,…"

He spoke the truest words he had all day, when he claimed not to believe it all. It was as if he were lost inside a nightmare and could not wake up, no matter how hard he tried. Merlin was still keeping the truth from him, and he couldn't bear it. It was too much. "What aren't you telling me?"

Merlin bit his lip and turned to the gentle rhythm of the flowing creek, hoping to find salvation there. He was silent for a few minutes, pressing the cloth against his wounds, before his voice cut through the heavy air. "I've seen what he'll do to us. He tried to help me when I was being kept, but we couldn't… afford… to have him repay the debt he owed us."

"Does this mean you refused him to heal you?"

Merlin never answered the question, but that was all right, because Arthur knew it all. Despite the fact that their friendship balanced on unsteady ground at the moment, he still understood Merlin like no other, and he could read every emotion off his face. His voice turned softer. "Is the wound getting any better?"

Merlin shook his head, releasing the pressure on his momentary bandage. The redness had taken over the white, and Arthur wondered how a cut, even a large one such as this, could cause bleeding of this ammount.

_Magic_, he thought. _Magic of the evil kind._

He took the burden from Merlin's hands and renewed the salvation. When he washed Merlin's blood off his hands and saw it mingle with the chrystal water in the creek, he swallowed hard to keep his temper and emotions in check. He had done this to Merlin.

Despite all the lies, _he_ had made him bleed.

* * *

_Oh, PLEASE tell me what you think? Pleaaaase?_

_XO, as always - - and the promise of cookies and hugs!_


	7. Chapter 7

****

A/N : Hey everyone! First of all, I'm so sorry it took me this long to write this chapter. For some reason, something always got in the way. But, inspiration was back! Yay! Also, thank you all for the kind reviews you've written me... you are all amazing and I wish I COULD deliver Merlin & Arthur to ya! Sadly enough... (sigh) all I can get you are hugs and cookies!

**Please let me know what you think of this chapter? Pretty please, it would mean the world to me!**

**XO, as always**

Arthur

His mind had not been able to stand still for a single minute, for he was always engaged in battle. Inner battle, or otherwise. It seemed as if the world itself had changed, as if everything he looked upon was a deformation of the truth. Merlin's hands were holding onto him as he tried to stay upright, looking for the strength to sit behind his master.

He was surprised to find his way home so easily, having come here in a daze – with clear purpose that overruled every other thought. He had needed to save his friend, rip him away from the clutches of this so apparent enemy. Everything had been black and white, not this dirty greyness of reality.

The hands that gripped his sides grew slack, and he felt the weight fall away from his own body, and though he tried, he was not fast enough to catch the tumbling heap of vulnerability. The harsh thud made his ears ache and he slid to the ground, walking over to where Merlin lay, his broken body in contrast to the pure green leaves.

"Merlin."

His servant shivered, his skin pressed together in wrinkles of agony, his breathing erratic and loud. Arthur touched a hand to Merlin's forehead, and he sighed. He was burning up, the pain becoming too much for him to keep at bay. His voice grew soft when he murmured the words that had been bothering him ever since the revelation had come. "You should have let him heal you."

His head lolled back and forth. "No. I couldn't."

This battle was not over. These thoughts would still remain. Arthur knew it in his heart, but for now they needed to stay in the background. Merlin's safety was a bigger issue at hand. "Do you..."

It felt strange to ask this of him, especially since he had often laughed away the accusations of Merlin having anything to do with sorcery. It wasn't that he thought Merlin to be stupid, or incapable. It was that… he'd always been taught that magic was the greatest evil in the world, and Merlin was everything that wasn't. It didn't make sense.

"… Do you know how to save yourself?"

Another no. "They're…stronger…than I am. I'm sorry."

This time, it was Arthur who shook his head. His arms went around Merlin's knees and underneath his shoulderblades, and he lifted him onto the horse again. He sat behind this time, his arm snaking around Merlin's middle to keep him close. He would not let Merlin die today.

Merlin

The pain was like nothing he had ever experienced before. It felt as if it tore him into several pieces and he lay broken on the floor, hoping for someone to pull him together. To take care of him. He knew it wasn't fair to Arthur to ask this of him, he knew that it had all been his fault to begin with and that he deserved to suffer this way.

But it hurt.

He vaguely remembered telling Arthur that he didn't need to do this – and also recalled how the prince had not replied. It didn't matter. The mere fact that Arthur was here with him was enough, for if he died at this very moment, there was no one he'd rather have by his side. His sole regret would be that he hadn't gotten the chance to say goodbye to Gaius, his mother.

"If I don't…"

Apparently, Arthur knew what he meant to say, because he reacted immediately. "Shut up, Merlin." Merlin had to smile at that.

"My mother..Gaius..tell them I loved them."

"You're _not_ going to die. I won't let you."

"Tell Arthur I'm sorry."

Arthur

The fever was getting worse, it was claiming him slowly but surely. He could swear Merlin had been able to recognize him only a minute ago, yet right now it seemed he had been drawn in by the darkness. Arthur cleared his throat.

"He knows."

-

When they arrived in Camelot, there was no telling whether or not Merlin would be alright. He had never seen a man this broken, and his own hand was wet by the sweat of his feverish illness. Merlin had continued to mumble incoherent phrases as they had returned home, and some of them had made sense while others hadn't.

He'd begged Arthur to forgive him.

There was no way to explain how it had made him feel. He had clenched his jaws to remain strong, to always remain the saviour people expected him to be, the man Merlin _needed _him to be. But he'd been close to breaking point.

"Alert Gaius, the court physician." He ordered one of the guards, while he instructed the other one to help carry his servant upstairs, to the comfort of his bed. Gaius met them halfway, and the panic was clear in his face. The hurt and the sadness that tore him apart.

Arthur just needed confirmation on the opposite of what he knew to be true. He needed the lie more than anything else. "Will he be alright?"

"I don't know." Gaius turned to him on the verge of tears. "I truly don't know."

-

Morgana

When she heard the news, she and Hunith hurried to Gaius' laboratory. It was hard to keep up with the desperate mother and she prayed Hunith would not trip and hurt herself. "It's alright," she called from a few feet behind. "I'm sure he'll be alright."

He wasn't.

When Hunith pushed open the door with an unearthly force and saw her son lying there, his bloodsoaked clothes ripped open by Gaius to examine the wounds, she let out an unearthly scream and flung herself at him. Gaius comforted her as best he could while Arthur just looked on. Despite being close to Merlin, they somehow felt out of place in this scene, and so… _so _helpless.

She could tell there was something else, and she walked over to him and lay a hand on his arm. "Are you alright?"

He put his brave face on, a clear sign that he would not let her in. Not this time. "I should show my face. Let me know if anything changes."

-

Arthur

"Arthur."

Being around his father was like facing a tidalwave, his voice loud and demanding after having heard little more than soft incoherent phrases for the last few hours. "There's something bothering you."

Arthur nodded. "There is. It's about the accusations we have been confronted with before I left on my hunting trip." He paused. "Well, I didn't go on a hunting trip." He casually stated.

"I suspected as much." Uther admitted. "For some ridiculous reason, you and this boy are overly protective of each other. It's silly."

"That being said, I did go look for Merlin." Arthur shook his head slowly while he remembered it all. He couldn't… think about this now. "And I found he'd been taken by sorcerers. They challenged him… and he could not answer their call."

He took a deep breath. If he went through with this, he would lie to his father in the worst way possible. The other possibility, however, was unthinkable. "What I mean to say is, there is no way he is a sorcerer. If he were, he would have fought them instead of being slaughtered."

He ached when he spoke the last words.

"He's gravely ill. We're not sure if he'll survive."

* * *

_Oh, pleaaaaase tell me what you think?_

_XO, as always (and promised hugs and cookies!)_


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N : I'm so ashamed of myself. Really, I am. I can't believe how long it's been since I've updated, but for some reason, it was harder this time around. Because real life was really really busy, and I had classes and job interviews and things like that. It's no excuse, I know. But pleaaase just accept my apology! AND of course tell me what you think of this chapter. I wasn't too sure about it when I first wrote it, but I think it's alright now.**

**Please please tell me what you think?**

**XO, as always (also : hugs, cookies and whatnot!)**

Arthur

Arthur looked out the window, his eyes hard and demanding – he needed to conquer the world – yet his vision was torn apart by the glass structure. The wet courtyard lay just outside this comforting place, and the rain had left its mark on the pure white marble. Darkened all it had touched. Merlin had once made a comment about all of this, this _ritual _of staring into nothingsness, and he could just hear his playful quips now. _"The answer's out there, is it?"_

He was horrified to actually hear himself reply into the emptiness. "Shut up, Merlin."

He hadn't consciously meant to throw his hand against the wall, but found he did it anyway. The texture grazed his flesh, making bits of his skin come undone. He stared at the result for a moment. There was no blood. It hurt, yet not enough to clear his mind of all this anger, all this painful confusion… and by far, it did nothing to ease the terrible feeling in the pit of his stomach. He didn't know what he'd say..or do..if Merlin woke up. Worse yet, how would he go on if he didn't?

His hand flew to the rough bricks again, and this time it had all been effective. (He couldn't afford to make the same mistake twice.) The small river of red sorrowstreamed down the palm of his hand and he twisted and twirled trying not to let the blood touch the ground. A childish game. And pointless. None of this would do anyone any good, he realised, and he searched for a cloth to press against the wound. His fingers had nearly found Merlin's dirtied scarf upon their quest for salvation, but he'd discarded it without thinking twice. It was all _too much_ for him now, and thinking of the rage he'd felt upon discovering what they'd done to him would only add to the pain.

A knock upon his door. He felt hesitant to answer it, fearing the news he might receive. He couldn't… "Enter."

The frail woman entered his chambers, her eyes red through crying and her head bowed in pure submission to him. She should not be afraid of him, and he didn't believe she was. She was terrified for a different reason entirely. "Hunith." He could not keep the surprise from his voice. He had not once thought she'd leave Merlin's side. Not unless… he shook his head to clear it. He would not jump to conclusions until everything was set in stone. But he could not keep a shiver from running along his spine.

"I am sorry to disturb you, my lord. But I was wondering if I could talk to you."

Could he refuse her? He wished he could. Closing his eyes briefly, he was met by the images of himself at a burial, not knowing what to say. He was never good at speaking the words that meant he cared. Yet his mind screamed them, howled them towards the pale silver moon, louder than ever before. _Merlin was a good servant. He was a great friend._

"Of course," he told her, his body preparing itself to go completely numb in the face of what would be said. "Of course you can." _But I wish you wouldn't._

"I know what happened." She said, taking a hesitant step towards him, reaching out yet not daring to touch his arm. She left it in the air, floating…falling. "And you must forgive him, Arthur…he has wanted to tell you so many times. You mean so much to him."

It was hard to fathom that even though he knew there was no place she'd rather be than by her son's bedside, she wanted to pull herself away and try to explain his behavior. To _him_. Arthur felt out of breath, almost as if he'd been running for miles and miles, without end – without pause. Until now. Hunith looked so desperate and so broken, but how could he promise her these things when his own thoughts were vague and his memories seemed different to him than how they had been before?

He tried to avoid his own answer. "You found out about this?"

"He gripped my arm and called your name." Her trembling hand gripped its twin, trying to piece herself together again. "The words he spoke…they didn't make much sense but I think…I think a mother just knows."

He shook his head and she leaped forward, grabbing his bandaged hand between her own. "I'm begging you, sire. He's wanted to tell you for a long time but we always told him not to. I was almost certain you cared, but we were all… afraid that if you found out who he really was,…if you discovered his gifts... We didn't know what you'd do to him."

"He does nothing but great deeds." She explained to him. "And he saves your life not because you are Prince Arthur, but because he honestly cares for you."

"_Tell Arthur I'm sorry."_ He had not been able to forget those words ever since they had been spoken. "Is there any change?"

"No." Her face fell. "Not in the slightest."

Merlin

Sometimes he felt as if he were drowning – as if a steady hand pushed him under, breaking the once so smooth surface as his face became surrounded by the water. He simply could not breathe, nor scream, but he was crying. Desperate to be saved. Saved from all this mystery, from all these secrets that threatened to tear him apart…the ones that caused him to lie to the one person he cared about the most.

He recalled when Arthur had been drowning, how he had feverishly searched the lake for any sign of his friend, the dread gripping his heart. If he lost Arthur… he didn't know what he'd do. Maybe he would lose him one day – not because his spirit faded but his friend had betrayed him ever since they'd met. For now, he just had to keep breathing.

He took a breath – and the memories rushed back to him. He swore he could feel the blade at his throat again, the carvings in his flesh. He felt Arthur's anger and prayed that one day, he would be forgiven. He prayed that one day, it would be alright.

His eyes fluttered open. He saw Gaius' anxious face as he tried to ease the fire raging in his broken body, and the honest love that appeared when he noticed Merlin had awoken. "Merlin." He sighed. "You had us all worried."

"I'm sorry." His tired eyes searched the room, but they were alone in the place he now called his home. The way it had always been…the way he should have expected it to be.

"Your mother went to talk to Arthur." Gaius explained to him. "And Morgana was called for by Uther."

A shock ripped through his body, which he only now discovered ached beyond compare, for two reasons, tightly linked. The first was that his mother had arrived in Camelot (oh lord, he could only imagine her distress!) and the second was her current whereabouts. _Arthur_.

"Arthur?" His voice broke on the word; he sounded small and weak., two things he absolutely hated to be. Two things Arthur would hate to see in him, as well.

Gaius looked troubled. "He brought you to us, but has not returned since. I seem to remember you telling us he'd found out." It was a hidden question, one that made helpless tears return to his eyes. He nodded silently, and raised his hand to press those signs of weakness back to where they came from.

Gaius

"You should have seen the look on his face." He turned to Gaius, and his foster father literally ached to see him in such agony. Both physical and emotional. "He hates me."

"I'm almost certain that's not true."

"You're _almost certain_?" Merlin shook his head. "He's not here, is he? I've ruined everything."

"You should get some rest." Gaius stroked his hair, trying to make him relax, but Merlin just couldn't… he was too restless, too anxious to explain. He tried to sit up and swing his legs over the side of the bed. "I can't. I need to see him."

"Merlin." Gaius uttered his name slowly, as a warning. "You might not like what you find behind those doors."

"I don't care." The stubbornness of his foster son had not disappeared. His eagerness to fight was still there. The old man had to smile a little. "I need to explain."

"Give him some time, Merlin. You of all people know how Arthur deals with things. You should let him do it by himself." He wasn't going to lie and say that he knew Arthur would forgive, that the young prince had not turned him over to his father. He could not – for Merlin himself knew Arthur far better than he ever had.

Though he regretted even thinking of the possibility, things would have been slightly easier on the prince if Merlin hadn't survived this accident. Now it came to the question whether or not the secret would be out.

The burden rested on his shoulders.  
And everything depended on it.

* * *

_Please please please tell me what you think? I promise to update asap, I promise. Promise!_

_XO, as always_


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N : Hi everyone! Thank you thank you thank you for your kind reviews on the last chapter. I was feeling rather insecure about that one, and I really hoped you'd like it! Here's the next chapter - - and I hope you'll like this one as well. I was really drawn into this chapter while writing it and to me it's kind of special. (all my chapters are, but this one just has a tiny extra bit, don't know why!****)**

**Please let me know what you think? Because you are all so very amazing!**

**Xo, as always  
Mae'side **

Arthur

He had craved the news all day, yet now that the bit of information floated in the air between them, he wished for time to stop. More than anything, he wanted this moment to remain, to make it linger. While he cloaked himself in the comforting feeling of the knowledge Merlin had awoken, he would not need to speak. There would be no need for them to work things out, for he could pretend that everything was as it had always been.

She would not grant him such pleasure. "Are you not going to see him?" He could clearly distinguish the already forming complaint she would hurl at him when he respectfully declined to see his newly recovered friend. But he would let her down, just this once. He'd let himself down, too.

"In a while."

"Well, I'm going." Morgana proudly stuck out her chest, the necklace that rested against the hollow of her throat rising with the fierce movement. He supposed this was her way of taunting him, wanting to draw him out of this shell he found so warm, yet desperately confusing. "At least Merlin will know _some_ of us care enough about him to visit him after he nearly died."

He looked everywhere but at her, for some unknown reason finding the floor ten times more fascinating than the presence of the incredibly stubborn woman who had known him since before he could remember. She'd always been there. He frowned, but his lips never moved, even as she stalked from the room.

Merlin

Having Morgana by his bedside felt strangely familiar, and he wondered if it was the same for her. It hadn't been a long time ago when he'd helped her locate the druids in the forest, when he had made her face her own destiny. Yet she knew nothing about his.

The only fact that could not be concealed was how much he cared for the hard headed man he served. Because try as he might, he was an open book where Arthur was concerned. The latter, however, was an entirely different matter.

He spoke easily with her, her soft voice nearly singing the words to him. It was a soothing rhythm to his torn ears, to his battered body. A lullaby for the broken.

Yet the anxiety still itched underneath the surface, moving around his heart and holding it in a tight lock. He had to know the words that would sting – he had to hear the unchangeable verdict.

"He's not coming, is he." He didn't bother turning it into a question.

"He is." Morgana spoke convincingly. "He just needs to do some errands for his father. You know how Uther can be."

Merlin managed a soft smile. "You don't have to lie to me."

She shook her head, biting her lips. The skin above her eyes puckered slowly as evidence to her clear disappointment. "I'm sorry."

He shrugged, his shoulders moving against the mattress, making a soft swooshing sound vibrate in the room.

"It's not your fault." He murmured faintly. "And it's not his fault either, so promise me you won't give him a hard time."

For the first time since he had returned to this very chamber, the sound of laughter bounced against the walls, and he engraved it in his memory. "Merlin, giving Arthur a hard time is pretty much all I ever do around this place. It's a habit," she rolled her eyes. "and one I don't intend to break anytime soon."

Morgana

He had pressed his body against the wall, his eyes cast down and his hands useless by his side. Though she had known something had happened between Merlin and this man she called her brother, she only realised how deep the wounds ran at this very moment.

"Are you alright?"

His breath caught, as if he only now registered the fact that she stood beside him, reaching out to touch his arm. His wandering eyes caught her own. "I'm fine."

She wanted it to be the truth so badly. Yet she'd always known the moment a lie fell from his lips, and this time she wouldn't even pretend to think about it. "Well, Merlin's not."

Arthur tensed, every fiber of his being on full alert. "He's getting worse?"

"Physically, he's getting better." She reassured him. "But I think he misses you. I could see it in his eyes. And he asked for you - "

"What did you.." he shook his head, searching for the words he seemingly found so very difficult to speak. If he was this way about asking her what excuse she had invented, she could hardly imagine how he must have been affected by it all. "..did you tell him I was…?"

"I told him you were doing errands for your father. Everyone knows how demanding he can be."

"Did he believe you?" The question was so soft, so vulnerable, it made her want to… do anything. Anything to make this right again.

But all she could do was shake her head.  
"No."

-

Merlin

The hours crept by. He did not come.

Merlin had meant every word of what he'd told Morgana : it wasn't Arthur's fault that he wasn't here anymore, the prince had nothing to do with all of this. Merlin was the problem that ate away at them both, and he would have to search his own cure to the illness.

His mother had never been more overjoyed or overbearing, which he both loved and hated. All the while she sat by his side, clutching his hand and wiping at the strands of hair that clung to his face. Gaius, however, had just sat back and watched him for a while, then continued with his daily duties. He could tell his mother was slightly annoyed by the way Gaius discarded his foster son so easily, but Merlin knew better. The relief he'd seen in Gaius' eyes… he'd never seen an emotion more intense than that. Gaius knew he needed space – and granted him his wish. For he needed to think about how to fix it all, how to save his friendship.

His mother had not spoken one word about her conversation with Arthur. Maybe it was better that way - he couldn't bear to think about the outcome of that situation. But he needed some comforting words more than ever. He needed just the faintest ammount of hope.

Night fell over Camelot and – thank God his mother returned to the chambers they'd prepared for her – he lay back against the covers. He was alone again, with the dreaded sense that this state would remain.

Arthur

The hours crept by. He didn't leave his chambers.

Yet now that it was dark and the silence seemed all too hard to handle, he wished he had. He knew Merlin was alright this time, so he would not spend another restless night praying for someone…anyone…to help Merlin survive, but he had not seen him. Not since he lay the bleeding body down upon the cot, the sudden emptiness feeling almost as if someone had torn away a little part that had always remained beside him.

The most terrible revelation was the sense that maybe he was the culprit of this loss.

He was pushing Merlin away, though he wasn't exactly sure why. True, Merlin had lied to him ever since they'd met, but he'd also saved Arthur's life on several occassions. So if magic was the great evil his father made him believe it was, why had Merlin been so kind?

"_Please don't think any differently of me."_

"_I won't. It's alright to be scared, Merlin."_

"_That's not what I meant."_

Merlin had wanted to tell Arthur right then and there, but a foreign source had prevented him from doing exactly that. Merlin had saved them all that day and as a result, had watched his old friend die in his arms. The same friend who took the blame for what had happened. Arthur cursed himself. He had not been the same kind of friend to Merlin, the one who accepted him for who he was – completely. What kind of friend did that make him? What kind of _man_?

He walked from his room with only that last thought in mind. That and the need to establish if Merlin was okay for himself. Because he'd only received bits of second hand information and it would not do. Not anymore. He knew Merlin would be asleep by now, so he felt safe – invisible – as he slowly opened the door to Gaius' laboratory, wincing when it creaked.

Almost as if the scene were staged, the light coming in from the window shone exactly on the spot where Merlin's bed was situated. The dark patches that indicated his wounds and bruises provided a shrill contrast with the whiteness of his skin. He seemed at ease in sleep, at least. Arthur took in every bit of the image while he stood by the door, silent and still as if sculped.

It was only when he turned to leave that everything shifted and his safety net was ripped form underneath his feet. The small voice tugged him back into the room, forced him back into reality.

"Arthur?"

* * *

_Please tell me what you think? (oh, and sorry about the cliffie, I'll make it better with hugs and cookies!)_

_Xo, as always_


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